wooo!

hello therapy blog! it's been a damn long time, but it fills me with joy to see you again. i've been letting my emotions pile up for far too long, and compounding such behaviour with abuse of tequila and vodka and cocaine and marijuana and vicodin, and that leads to such unproductive and unpleasant situations. for example, lying tensed in the fetal position and tearing up but not crying for 2 hours on a sunday morning. I figured it can only help to try and write, and fuck, maybe if i write some of the things going on in my head I can clear them out, because i'd love to stop thinking about hanging myself from the tree next to my house, or shooting myself in the head if steve and co. and I go skeet shooting, or even just slitting my wrists with our good kitchen knife (outside of course, that would be a dick move to make my housemates mop up my blood). However, none of these ideas really seem too wise, and besides, there is the continually arising protestation from my small, starved and weakened sense of rationality; that my life is by all objective standards quite fucking amazing. I live on the beach, and fall asleep to the sound of waves each night, and my rent is paid by my wonderful and generous parents. I'm learning to surf, with a new wetsuit again courtesy of parents, who have worked so hard to give me so much, and for that I soldier on, so that I might repay them someday. After all, the life they have given me is AMAZING - the best parties, a good education that will open career doors for me, all the comforts of life I need or want. good food and nice clothing and ipods and cameras and all sorts of things many of friends cannot afford to own or if they do own them it is because they worked, put in their own sweat and tears and blood, and made their sacrifices. what have i had to sacrifice? really, nothing! and for that I feel empty. however, this emptiness need not be permanent, nor need it be the dominating force in my life, for i can fill this void! and not with any of the false friends or fake fun that i have tried to do so - sleeping with random girls, coke, pot, booze, acting cool, none of these make me feel any more whole. the wholeness must grow from within! I must rise up and take control of my life, my sacrifice will be myself. I WILL SACRIFICE MY VICES. I WILL SACRIFICE MY WEAKNESSES. I WILL BECOME STRONG. I WILL BECOME DISCIPLINED, I WILL RISE. I WILL RISE ABOVE.

self help

basically, this is a place for me to pour out the overwhelming number of stupid/pointless/brilliant/retarded/hilarious thoughts that seem to be constantly running around my brain, in the interest of reducing the constant demand on my psyche that they exert, and hopefully allow me to talk less, but more clearly and concisely. PEACE.